Don’t Divorce

Though they had been married over fifty years, Gertrude was feeling neglected. She told George, “You used to sit close to me.” “I can fix that,” George said as he moved beside her. “And you used to hold me tight,” she added. Putting his arm around her and holding her close, he asked, “How’s that?” Gertrude then said, “And I can remember when you used to nibble on my ear.” With that George got up and began to walk out of the room. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”

When a couple says, “I do,” they picture that one day they will have the same conversation as Gertrude and George. They will grow old together still loving each other. They believe one will feel what Abraham did in Genesis 23:1-2,

1 Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. 2 She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.

Even at the marriage altar, the two foresee that one day, one will weep over the other like Abraham did for Sarah. One will weep because together they will have lived happily ever after.

Not many couples see their dreams at the altar become a reality in life. Only 20% of marriages survive to enjoy their 50th wedding anniversary. Sadly for some, it is because their partner has died. Sadder still is when a couple divorces because they think their marriage has died. Somewhere their dream of living happily ever after died.

I would like to imagine God as a doctor with two charged paddles in his hands yelling, “Clear!” Then thrusting them on the chest of a marriage, he shocks the heart of that marriage and looks for a beat. He persistently continues this until life has been charged back into the marriage. Too many have pronounced their marriages as dead before giving God a chance to charge them back to life. Therefore, before you pronounce your marriage dead and give up hope of living happily ever after, listen to this charge from God. God charges, “Keep your vow!”

Keep Your Vow

The paddles of God were placed on the chest of Judah in Malachi 2:13-14. God charges them to keep their vow by saying,

13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

God has always considered “making” and “keeping” vows a serious matter. In Numbers 30:1, God says,

1 Moses said to the heads of the tribes of Israel: "This is what the LORD commands: 2 When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.

The vows exchanged by the bride and groom at the altar are not just vows to each other but they are vows made to God. God expects them to be kept, and the bride and groom need them to be kept. Your vows to each other are to be a blessing, not a burden. Your vows help you survive the “conjunctions” of marriage.

“for better OR worse”
“for richer OR poorer”
“in sickness AND health”
“to love AND cherish”

Life’s conjunctions demand that marriages keep their vows.

Your Vows Strengthen Your Discernment
When life moves you from better to worse, you need to keep your vows, for your vows will strengthen your discernment. God says in 1 Peter 3:7,

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Worse times are times of searching. Unwanted loss or changes cause couples to ask, “Why did this happen?” “Who is to blame?” or “What do we do now?” Instead of allowing the worst of life to break your vows, this is the most important time to keep your vows. Keep them and let nothing hinder your prayers. Only by praying together will you receive the godly discernment you need to get through it together.

Your Vows Double Your Abilities
When life moves you from richer to poorer, keeping your vows will keep you from experiencing marital bankruptcy. Staying together and working together doubles your abilities to get through it together.

When two believers pledge their lives to each other, they add their spiritual gifts to the top of all their wedding gifts. Romans 12:6-8, 1 Corinthians 12:4-11,28-30, and Ephesians 4:7-12 provide three comparable lists of spiritual gifts. These are godly abilities given to believers. No one has them all. God planned it this way to keep us dependent upon one another.

Therefore, moving from richer to poorer in life is survived when the couple moves closer together, not further apart. You will need each other’s spiritual gifts to broaden your perspective and double your abilities to see it through.

Your Vows Multiply Your Strength
Life is also unpredictably balanced. Though you can never predict when, nor predict if it will happen to one or both of you, you will experience a balance of sickness and health. Keeping your vows multiplies your strength to survive the sickness until you once again enjoy your heath. You need each other for this.

God has always intended a husband and wife to stay strong by staying together. 1 Peter 3:7 says wives need their husbands, for wives are identified as “the weaker vessel.” But Genesis 2:18 states that husbands need their wives. They can’t survive without their “help meet” or “helper.” The word “helper” in Genesis 2:18 literally means “lifesaver.” It is only used elsewhere in the Bible of God when He was desperately needed to come through for someone.²

God intended for husbands and wives to keep their vows. In doing so, they could always count on the life-saving strength of each other to help get them through the seasons of sickness and back to health.

Your Vows Increase Your Fulfillment
The last conjunction in the marriage vows is the most enjoyable. It is the promise to love and cherish each other. God said this in Ephesians 5:22, 25,

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.…
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….

God instructs husbands and wives to give what the other needs. Husbands need to know they are respected or cherished, and wives need to know they are loved. This is not a romantic love but a sacrificial love. Wives need to know that their husbands would die for them just as Christ died for the church. When wives give to their husbands the respect they need and husbands give to their wives the love they need, fulfillment overflows. Such fulfillment is then evident in what you are willing to do for each other.

The McGrath’s obviously have a fulfilling marriage. During one of Chicago’s heavy snows, Robert McGrath saw his wife go to the garage for something. Suddenly, the roof of their detached garage collapsed. Not stopping for a coat, Robert grabbed a snow shovel and called for his neighbor’s help. With sweat freezing on his face, Robert called to his wife as he continued to dig. He heard her voice, then saw her hand. After more feverish digging, Robert was able to lift his wife from the rubble and embrace her. Yet what Robert didn’t know was what his neighbor saw. Mrs. McGrath had entered one door of the garage, but stepped out of the other before the roof collapsed. She was in the warm house when she noticed Robert’s frantic but heroic actions. Without Robert seeing her, she stepped from the house and worked her way under the rubble so Robert could rescue her. ³

The McGrath’s give us a picture of what keeping your vows can do for your marriage. When life moves from better to worse, from richer to poorer, or from health to sickness you fight for each other. You realize you are stronger together than apart. And you fight for each other because you love and cherish each other. You’ll dig through the snow without a coat and you’ll crawl under the snow to be rescued because you want to rescue her and you want to fulfill him. And both of you are fulfilled by the way you keep your vows.

Don’t Divorce

The second charge God gives to bring marriages back to life is “don’t divorce.” Too often, couples go through divorce thinking the grass is always greener. But it’s not as one man learned while taking a tour through a mental institution. He saw one cell where the man was beating his head against the padded walls. He kept saying, "Linda, how could you do it? Linda, how could you do it?" The guide explained that the man was in love with Linda, and when Linda left him for another man, he couldn't handle it. In the next cell was a man saying, "Linda, how could I do it? Linda, how could I do it?” The man taking the tour asked, "Who's he?" The guide answered, "He's the man who married Linda." That's the myth of the greener grass. ⁴

In Malachi 2:13-16, God is stern with those who see divorce as an easy out. God says,

13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

16 “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

In these verses, God dispels the deception of divorce. Many see divorce as freedom from a painful or limiting condition. Yet in divorce, many move from pain to an even deeper pain,for God says, “Divorce hurts.”

Divorce Hurts God
God uses Malachi to describe the ways that divorce hurts Him. In verse 13, God says divorce robs Him of His greatest joy – the worship experience. Malachi explains that God would not accept their offerings and they would not experience His pleasure because of their broken relationships in marriage. A fulfilling worship experience hinges on two right relationships – a right relationship with God and a right relationship with others. If divorce occurs for unbiblical reasons,neither relationship is right, and it robs God of Hs greatest joy – worship.

Verse 15 further explains that divorce hurts God because it threatens Hs plan. Some scholars use this verse to refer to Adam and Eve while others point to Abraham and Sarah. It may not matter whether we are talking about the first couple of all creation or the first couple of God’s covenant people. Both couples underscore the same truth. It has always been God’s plan for the family to carry on a legacy of love and obedience to God. God wanted godly families to produce “godly offspring” and divorce threatens God’s plan.

Divorce robs God of His joy of experiencing worship. It also threatens God’s hope of using godly families to produce godly offspring. Divorce hurts God.

Divorce Hurts Others
Divorce not only hurts God but it hurts others as well by making trust anemic. Verse 14 describes divorce as “breaking faith.” This same Hebrew word is used in Proverbs 25:19 where the Bible says, “Like a bad tooth or a lame foot is reliance on the unfaithful in times of trouble.” The Hebrew words for “breaking faith” and being “unfaithful” are the same. God says to be careful placing your trust in those who have broken trust. You are likely to get hurt.

It is possible that the rising numbers of contracts and cohabitation may be directly tied to the growing number of divorces. We no longer trust each other, so we sign contracts instead of shake hands. We no longer trust marriage, so live together out of convenience instead of commitment.

Divorce also hurts others by making the violence of divorce an epidemic. The word “violence” in verse 16 points to more than a single act of divorce. It includes the panoramic repercussions of disrupting a divine plan. The word first appeared in Genesis 6:11 to describe the state of the world before God destroyed it with the flood. Violence was an epidemic.

Tragically, the violence of divorce has also become an epidemic. In the 2000 census, four million Americans between the ages of 20 – 34 checked they were divorced. Entertainment Weekly listed divorcing in your 20’s on its list of “in things to do.” Furthermore, Jane magazine heralded the trend with the headline “Young, Hot, and Divorced.” The trend has become so acceptable that first time marriages and divorces are now called starter marriages, training marriages, practice marriages, or icebreaking marriages.⁵ By re-titling the experience, people have tried to give a positive spin to a violent end. Yet no matter what you say about it, divorce hurts. It hurts God, it hurts others, and it hurts you.

Divorce Hurts You
Billy Rose told of a man seeking divorce after twenty years of marriage. Preparing his financial statement he found the old checks from their honeymoon, their first car, their first house, and the birth of their daughter. Reliving all they had experienced together, he called his wife and told her they had invested too much in each other to throw it away now.

Before anyone says divorce doesn’t hurt you, consider what you invest in each other by keeping your vows and what you loose through divorce.

KEEPING OUR VOWS
Strengthens your discernment
Doubles your abilities
Multiplies your strength
Increases your fulfillment

EXPERIENCING DIVORCE
Distorts your perspective
Divides your abilities
Drains your strength
Dilutes your fulfillment

I agree with Margaret Atwood who said, “A divorce is like an amputation: You survive, but there's less of you.”⁶ In marriage, God intended for the two to become one flesh. Therefore, divorce must be like ripping a body in half without any anesthesia. Divorce hurts God, hurts others, and definitely hurts you.

Remember, It is a Covenant not a Contract

A final charge worth mentioning is that God says, “Remember, marriage is a covenant, not a contract.” We have become a legal-happy people. Because we do not keep promises we write contracts. Sadly, many see marriage as a contractual relationship that can be broken with a few fees. But if you are to live happily ever after, you need to see marriage as God does. God sees marriage as a covenant created and maintained by sacrifice.

God calls marriage a covenant in verse 14. Here, He chastises the people for divorcing the wives “of their marriage covenant.” This word “covenant” appears almost 300 times in scripture and means a pledge made by cutting flesh and passing between the cut flesh. God did this for Abraham in Genesis 15 in order to seal His covenant with him. God instructed Abraham to take a heifer, ram, and goat, each three years old, and cut their bodies in half, leaving an aisle in between. That night the presence of God passed down the aisle indicating He had made a covenant with Abraham. God walked the aisle of sacrifice indicating the degree of His commitment to Abraham.

After exchanging their vows, the bride and groom traditionally walk the aisle of the church together signifying their new life as one. They have made a covenant to each other and to God, a covenant made and kept by sacrifice.

Indications of having a covenant marriage occur at a stoplight on Friday night. Here a husband and wife try to decide where you will go to eat for supper. The conversation sounds like this;

“Where do you want to go eat?”
“Oh, I don’t care. Why don’t you decide?”
“I decided last time. It’s your turn.”
“I really don’t have a taste for anything particular, so you choose.”
“I don’t have anything in mind either. Why don’t you decide?”

Though both of you have a restaurant in mind, you are willing to sacrifice what you want for the other. This is a small picture of a covenant marriage.

A larger picture was given to me by Jim Morrison. I told Jim that I hoped to die before Loree. For if Loree died first, my life would be so unkempt that no one would want to be around me. With a gentle reply, Jim said, “I’ve always prayed that Mary would die first. If either of us had to suffer living alone without the other, I’d rather suffer than her.” Jim and Mary were living a covenant marriage. They were still walking the aisle of sacrifice for each other.

Before couples walked the candlelit aisle to start their lives together, I occasionally remind them that their marriage is a covenant, not a contract. I want them to see that to live happily ever after they must walk the aisle of sacrifice together. Therefore, I read to them the poem I wrote entitled,

The Candle of Marriage

A candle of wax and wick
Will not burn if absent
Of one or the other.

For a wick without wax won’t last
And wax without a wick won’t burn.

The same is true for marriage –
It’s a lesson couples should learn.

In the candle of marriage,
Love is the wick and sacrifice the wax —
For sacrifice without love won’t burn,
And love without sacrifice won’t last.

Yet when love is fueled with sacrifice,
Something wonderful occurs.
The flame glows bright and long
As each gives itself up
So the other can burn.

God says that marriages that keep their vows, don’t divorce, and sacrifice for each other are the ones that enjoy living happily ever after.